We're sorry sir, here is $50. Please don’t hate us.

For all those who don’t know, I have had some issues with Capital One. Some very troubling issues.

After significant amounts of time on hold with customer service, I decided to switch my purchasing power back to Visa. That’s when Capital One took out their “big guns”. They started throwing money at me.

Let me explain.

Capital One admitted to me that they have no idea what they are doing. For some reason unknown to them they canceled two of my credit cards. A plausible reason for the incompetence could stem from the fact that all important figures in the Capital One fraud department have been outsourced to India. In an effort to band-aid this terrible business decision Capital One has decided to hand out Ulysses S. Grant's to anyone who has a complaint.

I wonder if this specific tactic could work in the real world. I can see it now, a big bully is pushing around some smaller underclassmen. “Don’t beat me up big bully. Here, take 50 bucks.” I have a feeling the bully would take the money, and still do some face pounding.

Realizing this was a strange phenomenon, I decided to try and push my luck. I told the agent that $50 was not going to be enough. I demanded at least $100. “I am sorry sir, the maximum I am allowed to give out to frustrated customers is $50. If you would like, call again tomorrow and I will give you another $50.”

I guess their business plan is working. Apparently, $50 bills work as a good pacifier to appease angry customers when you’re outsourcing all of your telemarketing to Indians.

You Always Get What You Pay For

I have written many times about specific companies' lack of customer service. I find that people suffer from bad customer service in Israel specifically because of the accepted aggressive mentality of Israelis. While they don’t mean any harm, terrible customer service is the outcome.

I have somewhat grown accustom to the abusive way Bezek, Hot, Orange, etc. deal with their customers. Certain things still do tick me off though. Throughout all of my bad experiences I have had, never did I receive terrible customer service not because the company representative on the other line was a jerk, but because the person on the other end off the line didn’t actually speak English!

Let me explain.

I write this blog after hours of being on the phone fighting with simple minions who, to my current knowledge, really do not understand any English. They simply read from a script. The conversation went as follows. I said X they said Y. I said Z they said A. In a case when I said something that they didn’t understand they simply reiterate the last sentence that they had said. No joke! I wanted to give my readership a glimpse into my most recent painful experience. Here goes...

It all started with my “clever” decision to switch all purchases to the new Capital One No Hassle Rewards Card. Capital One is the only credit card (that I know of) that does not have a foreign transaction fee. In addition, they offer the exact exchange rate on purchases made abroad. That, tied together with the fact that they offered me 2% back on all purchases, makes me a proud Capital One Platinum holder.

My most recent episode occurred when I called Capital One to dispute a fraudulent charge on my credit card. I had purchased a Bluetooth adapter for my computer in some shady Israeli hardware store. When I returned to my office to try out my new gizmo, to no one’s surprise, the adapter did not work. I returned the item to the store. Only after the owner had his precious merchandise back did he alert me that there would be no refund or store credit for the damaged merchandise I was tricked into buying.

With the power of a platinum MasterCard in my wallet, I walked off. All the while knowing that while he might have won the battle he would surely lose the war. There was no need for me to get physical or raise my voice. I would flex my MasterCard muscles and get my way. I called up to dispute the charge.

Life was fine and dandy until a few days ago when I tried to make a purchase at New Deli (they make best hot dogs in town). “I am sorry sir, but this card is being declined.” How could that be? I had just gotten my new credit card a few months ago! I gave the man my Israeli platinum card (even more impressive than my American one. It actually has a sim card in it!). “I am sorry sir, but this card is also being declined.” I thought the worst. Maybe the Mossad had somehow found out about my hot dog obsession and had canceled my bank accounts and were now searching for me. It took me a quick second to realize how silly that possible scenario was. (Turns out my Israeli card not working was just a fluke).

I got back to my office and told my employees that I would be making a business call and therefore would be unavailable for a bit. I closed my office door and put on my investigative hat. I called up Capital One “customer service". “I am sorry sir, but I see here that you contacted us a few days ago and canceled that credit card. A new one has been issued.” Apparently they had mistakenly confused my story. Capital One thought I had called them and explained that someone had stolen my credit card. Capital One had already canceled my credit card. I was quickly explained that it was impossible to reactivate the card and that was why a new one had already been issued. I would be receiving the new card in the mail within 10-14 business days.

After 3 hours of fighting with incompetents on the phone I was finally transferred to someone located in the United States. “Sir, I am sorry about the confusion and I will reactivate your card. There will be no need for the replacement card. You should be able to use your original card now.”Apparently the nice man located in the United States was just as incompetent as the other 15 Indians who were getting paid just under $1 an hour. You cannot reactivate a shut down card.

I got my replacement card in the mail overnight UPS from the United States. Of course my wifes name was spelled wrong.

When outsourcing your Customer Service please at least try and make sure the people who will be working for you ACTUALLY speak English. I learned a long time ago that you always get what you pay for. Its too bad Capital One is perfect for my spending needs or I would cancel it! I guess my revenge is in the fact that it costs a full month’s Indian’s salary to UPS the credit card to Israel. Still unsure who came out with the upper hand on this one…

Where is your lost and found box?

I have seen some weird things so far in my outsourcing days. Today, I came across something that really made me raise an eyebrow.

I am sure you are familiar with the liability forms located on all hotel paraphernalia. “The hotel is not responsible for lost or stolen goods”. Or when you rent a car how the rental company makes you sign a form stating that, “The car rental company is not responsible for stolen items left in the car or for damage to its underbelly and tires”

Well just the other day I was introduced to another seemingly redundant liability warning.

Let me explain.

On one of the projects IOC Israel outsources for American companies, restaurants owners need to send copies of their menus so my team can put it on the website Bite2Eat.com. Every restaurants menu is a bit different, but they all have the same minimum denominator of food and prices. Some menus are fancier, others are in small font, Some are so big they don’t fit into a fax machine, but they all share a minimum level of professionalism.

I got a menu sent over to my office today that was nothing like its others! Every food item was situated next to a cartoon animal. (Snoopy - Garfield - Barney - all sorts of others I could not distinguish). As I was perusing the menu I happened upon an even greater abnormal addition to this already strange menu. This menu had the words, “The restaurant is not responsible for lost or stolen items on the restaurant premises” printed in the largest possible unsuspicious font.

Losing something in a hotel - plausible, having something stolen from your car - believable, but what exactly are people losing at a restaurant? Their pants? What valuable items are people bringing into restaurants these days? When I go out with my wife I bring only myself and my wallet. How often are people and or wallets going missing in this specific restaurant?

Could this be a scheme where the restaurant secretly steals your stuff and then points to their protective liability sign. I can see them saying, “Hey, look at the sign! We aren’t responsible if someone stole your shirt while you were sitting eating your food”.

I dunno guys. Something sounds a bit fishy…

Elevator madness

The laws of elevator physics requires passengers to exit a full elevator before others can enter. This apparently needs to be written in large, bold, and underlined type on every elevator located in a mall.

Let me explain.

Just a few weeks ago I went shopping in Malcha mall (Jerusalem) and was witness to an amazing feat. People were standing in line waiting to ride the elevator. In fact, a small Israeli boy asked me if it was free to ride. I had never seen people wait so patiently in line before. Everyone was staring at the monitor that had written on it which floor the elevator was currently positioned on.

I thought to myself, why would any human being ride an elevator when there is an escalator located near by? Do they have a stroller, or a small child with them that requires the use of an elevator? Is it the fancy see-through glass encasing the elevator that excites them enough to wait in line? Could it the cool lifting feeling that the elevator offers its passengers? I would think that an escalator would be a cooler sensation, look ma, these stairs move!

So there I was with my double stroller, 2 crying babies, bags of already purchased items, and in front of me in line for the elevator was a bunch of perfectly healthy looking teens. Albeit arse looking, they did not appear to have any physical impairments. Everyone was waiting patiently for the elevator to arrive.

Once I did successfully enter the elevator I was quickly pushed into the back by a group of over eager passengers. When the elevator finally reached my floor, I was not even able to exit the elevator as more and more people pushed their way into the elevator!

What is the marketing secret behind the elevator? Companies all over the world have tried without success to market items that contain elevator levels of excitement. Some unique products were close to reaching this high level of customer anticipation. Companies like Beanie Babies, Tickle Me Elmo, Apple, (just to name a few) have spent millions in marketing and are still not able to get people to wait in line in order to receive their products.

I am going to open this one up to the blogging world. Is the appeal of the elevator simply the laziness of modern man? Am I the only person left who takes the stairs?!

The Reverse Loss Leader

A reverse loss leader occurs when a stores “loss leader” actually costs them a customer. This can happen by a loss leader being inappropriately priced, or by a store forcing customers to buy astronomical amounts of merchandise in order to even qualify for the “loss leader". This reversal of a great sales tactic surprisingly happens fairly often. It actually happened to me just the other day!

Let me explain.

I went shopping yesterday in Ace hardware store. I was looking for a hat rack and other possible items for my new hat store (I bought a hat store last week. We are still looking for a name, suggestions are welcome). While I was perusing the aisles I happened upon a terrific sale. Giant plastic bins great for storing childrens toys, blankets, books, whatever, at an amazingly low price! The bins were marked down from 112 nis to 69 nis and further marked down to the low total of 20nis per bin. Obviously excited, I stacked 6 of these bins into my cart. I would have taken more, but my cart was totally full from the extra large bins.

Not wanting to take a chance that the sale would end in the next few minutes, I sped straight to the checkout line. On my way I was stopped by a sales agent, “You know those bins are only on sale if you buy 500 nis worth of merchandise. Once you have purchased 500nis only then you will get one bin for 20 nis”. He had understood that there was no way that someone would buy the bins for the proposed not on sale price of 69nis.

Apparently I was not the only customer to be confused by this strange loss leader. If ACE had actually written, “Buy 500 nis - get a plastic bin for the discounted price of 20 nis” I would not have gotten confused.

For a few seconds I debated buying 500nis worth of junk. It only took 3 seconds to return the items to their shelves and eventually leave the store.

This just in! No one is spending 500 nis in order to save a few shekels. Additionally, please put prices on store merchandise. Not everyone will be spending 500 nis on every purchase.

That loss leader, lost them a customer.

With great power comes great responsibility

I have a secret to share. My television fixes all broken electrical appliances.

Let me explain.

Over the past few years whenever I had a problem with my cell phone, my ipod, Or even my DVD player, I would simply put it on top of my television and 48-72 hours later the issue would be fixed. My items would be as good as new.

Recently I have started to wonder how I could possibly market this great phenomenon. I created a business plan that would require minimum investment (I would need to buy 2 or 3 new televisions in order to fix 20-30 appliances per 72 hour time period)

I planned on charging based on the size of the appliance that needed to be fixed. The more space your item took up on top of my television the more I would charge.

With my business plan in hand I felt confident that I was onto something with real potential. I approached a few possible investors and each of them were perplexed. They asked, "How could I patent the television fixing appliance principle? How could I protect myself from copycats who will piggyback off of my new great invention?"

They were right, once word got out that televisions could fix electrical appliances I would never be able to make money by fixing them. I would be destroying an entire market place. Electrical appliance repair is easily a multimillion $ industry.

On one hand, I do not want to announce to the world that 43 inch Hyundai televisions have the built in ability to ??pretty much?? fix any electrical appliance as long as it (the appliance) fits on top of the television. But on the other hand, don't I have a responsibility to the people? The world demands a cheaper and simpler way to fix its appliances! With great power comes great responsibility.

Once you pull the pants down - it is impossible to bring them back up.

In order to ensure price control a unique product must enforce a MAP (minimum advertised pricing) pricing policy.

For those with little experience in the retail world, MAP pricing forces wholesalers and retailers to keep to the proposed manufacturers' list price. Should a retailer sell the item too cheaply, he will be blacklisted. In today's market of aggressive internet sales, under cutters, and bargain aware shoppers, the only way to ensure your suggested price points is to force sellers to sign a MAP pricing agreement.

There is a commonly known slogan that floats around in the retail marketplace. "Once you pull the pants down - it is impossible to bring them back up." Meaning, once one fool decides to heavily discount an item, no other retailer will ever be able to make full margins on that specific product again. (My grandfather uses the same slogan in Yiddish - I think it has a totally different meaning).

Ever wonder why for the first few years of circulation Crocs were not attainable in Israel for under 200NIS? Wouldn't it make sense for one of the many backwards shops on Ben Yehudah Street to lower their price points in an effort to shift the equilibrium and create more sales? When a store buys inventory they need to feel confident that they are not going to have their margins cut by a discount store located down the street from them. Hence the creation of the MAP pricing strategy.

Before I got into the call center business I was employed to do sales for a midlevel international manufacturer and distributor. The company's name is not important as I am confident they are not doing anything irregular amongst their industry. In an effort to increase sales and customer awareness of the products that my company manufactured, the sales team was explicitly instructed to contact those retailers who were blacklisted for breaking MAP pricing agreements. We were told to do this in order to create a "push for the product". Items we distributed were also sold to those same blacklisted stores, with hope that they would never cut off the hands that fed them.

Like all sales strategies, MAP pricing is only as strong as you enforce it. Unfortunately for the company I was working for, a few blacklisters bought hundreds of units of the items we manufactured and sold them for minimal profit. They afforded to do this based on the fact that they were able to sell huge volume since every other shop was following the MAP pricing agreement and was therefore selling the item for nearly double the price. After months of selling the item, it became nearly impossible to get anyone to touch anything that we manufactured for fear of being undercut.

Similar to real life, the rules only apply to the good guys. Promptly after realizing this company's sales strategy I decided I had had enough. Obviously I was not paid for my last few weeks of work. Someone who takes advantage of the system will do just that in every case possible. Whenever someone asks me, "Where can I find a good job?" I always tell them, "Wherever you do decide to work, keep your eyes open." Regretfully, there are a lot of dishonest people out there. If they are dishonest with others, you can be sure that when the time comes they will cheat you out of your paycheck.